Quiz #37. “Don’t Be Cruel”
April 25, 2020
My relationship with social media--like my relationship with most things (and most people)—is complicated.
I still remember the moment when Sara and I first signed up for Facebook (the “OK, Boomer” of social media.) It was nearly 10 years ago. In 2011, we were in New York CIty for the day (remember when you did that?). It was cold and we decided to see a movie (“Barney’s Version” with Paul Giamatti), arriving at the theater very early. Sitting in the seats long before the previews came up, we decided “What the hell? Let’s sign up for Facebook.” At the time, as I recall, we felt it was an intrusion into our kids’ world. (They’ve since moved on from Facebook.) We debated whether we would “Friend” our children and decided against it. There were some lines, seemingly, worth drawing and maintaining.
What struck me sitting in the theater was Facebook’s fixation with birthdays. All these alerts that this was someone’s birthday--followed by all the birthday wishes. It all felt a little fake.
So, me being me, I entered the wrong date for my birthday in my Facebook profile. I literally told Sara that it was my “fake birthday.” My reasoning was that people who knew me (and were my “real” friends) would know that February 18th was NOT my birthday. The “real” friends would thus be separated from the Facebook Friends. The “real” friends would know--without prompting--to wait until March 1st to wish me a happy birthday.
Sara called me out for doing this, telling me it was strange, wrong and mean. Sadly, I was undeterred. When February 18th came, friends at work who knew it was not my birthday actually threw me a “fake birthday” party. (The party was real; the birthday was fake.) They ordered a “Happy Birthday” cookie-cake with my name on it and they gathered those people working that night for a surprise celebration at midnight. The younger staff members who did not know me were rightly perplexed about why they were being corrected when they came to the gathering place and wished me a “Happy Birthday.” “It’s not my real birthday. It’s my ‘fake birthday.’” When a member of the cleaning staff walked by an hour later and stuck her head in my office to wish me a “Happy Birthday” I knew--once again--that I had gone too far. As I noted at the time, anti-social people should not be on social media. I updated my Facebook Profile.
February 18, 2011. My “fake birthday” party with Liz Neumann Filippone and JK Long.
February 18, 2011. My “fake birthday” party with Wesley Oliver.
February 18, 2011. My “fake birthday” party with Wesley Oliver and Liz Neumann Filippone.
Footnote: In searching for the images to add to this post, I discovered that I actually had the wrong birth year listed on Facebook. I updated it--only to receive this warning below: “You can only edit your birthday a limited number of times.” Apparently, people posting “fake birthdays” may have been more of a problem than first thought.
I’ve spent a lifetime pushing the envelope. Calling out fakes, speaking the unspeakable and taunting the world. Got a global pandemic that’s killed more than 50,000 people in the United States so far? Don’t focus on that--read Steve’s Stay-at-Home Coronavirus Quiz!
This quiz originated with my family’s holiday newsletter. More than 10 years ago, I started writing our holiday newsletter as a 3-page, single-spaced, multiple-choice “What did NOT happen?” quiz with questions about each family member and our pets. It started as a send-up on holiday newsletters and was my own attempt to add some self-deprecating humor to the annual format. Instead of accomplishments, I’d focus on oddities and the bizarre details that described daily life for each one of us. Sara became my editor--and as always, she looked for errors in truth and tone. (Maybe it’s not the best idea to call out your kids in a letter sent to 300 family, friends and co-workers?) It’s taken me some practice--and I’ve made some mistakes--but I’ve tried to reach a place where the questions are an expression of love and appreciation.
And yet, sometimes I am still a knucklehead. It should surprise no one that when we send out the holiday newsletter each year, it’s done in a step-by-step process. I write the first draft which Sara approves. The question written about each child is then sent to that child for review. After the final edits are done, I take the quiz to FedEx and get it printed. At home, I then fold all 300 printed quizzes. Pre-printed labels are then added to each envelope. Then--and only then--is a personal greeting added to each quiz, inserting it in its envelope and adding the stamp.
The Christmas Quiz, folded all in the same way so that the photo collage on the back page is showing—with no folds creasing the faces of any family member.
The Christmas Quiz, folded and in their envelopes. Stamps being added.
In 2014, we bought “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer” stamps which came in sets of four, one for each character: Santa, Rudolph, Bumble (“The “Abominable Snowman”) and Hermey (the dentist). The final process of signing and stamping the newsletters typically takes a Sunday afternoon--I like to mail them all at once so no one gets a special preview.
The 4 stamps in the 2014 collection for “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer”
On that Sunday in 2014 when I was stamping the envelopes, I spoke to Ginny, my sister. I made a stupid confessions, telling her what was going on inside my head. I was stamping the envelopes using a rating system for family and friends. People that I liked got a Santa stamp, those I did not got a Hermey or a Bumble with Rudolph going for those somewhere in between. I meant it as a joke--both doing it and telling her--and soon forgot that I had done so. That night, I told Sara about the stamp rating system--and she warned me that I could never tell people about it. Several days passed, and I forgotten that I’d told my sister Ginny. Her mail had arrived when she was at work. Her husband Larry had opened the mail and thrown out the envelope. When she got home, she searched for the envelope--and was relieved to see the Santa stamp. (To those who got a Hermey or Bumble, I am profoundly sorry.)
So, with this pandemic, its death toll and economic devastations, I know that we’re all looking for things to be grateful for. How about this?
If you’re lucky enough to still have a job--we are--and if you’re lucky enough to be working from home--we are--I want you to ask yourself, aren’t you grateful you’re not in quarantine with me?
If it’s not obvious so far, Sara is in so many ways my opposite. The calm to my noise, the kind to my cruel, the introvert to my extrovert. Friday afternoon, I found her laughing out loud in her office/master bedroom. She was laughing to this video, posted to Facebook. Click that link. It is an absolute must-watch, the key still-frame is below.
“Don’t Be Cruel.”
What did not happen?
A. In the holiday quiz, the order of the questions is always the same, starting with me, then Sara and the children in reverse age order;
B. In 2011, in the first draft before Sara’s edits, the last line of the holiday quiz was “‘What was the point?’”;
C. In 2014, I read Brigid Schulte’s book “Overwhelmed: Love and Play When No One Has the Time.” Schulte cited the work of Professor Ann Burnett at North Dakota State University in Fargo. Burnett had been studying holiday newsletters since 1960. She highlighted words like “hectic,” “whirlwind” and “crazy,” observing that “People are competing about being busy. It’s about showing status… There’s a real ‘busier than thou’ attitude” in holiday letters.” Burnett told Schulte that in the end, she always marks some holiday letters with an “A”—for “Authentic.” “Authentic” letters, Burnett says, are from people that “recognize that life is finite, that they’re going to die… When you realize you’re going to die, you value your time more.” I’ve sent a copy of the family holiday quiz to Professor Burnett since 2014. I have yet to receive a grade;
D. In 2016, I praised Nathan Hill’s novel, “The Nix.” I sent him a copy of the quiz and he emailed me to let me know he especially liked the comments in the answer key, calling them “an especially entertaining touch;”
E. In 2019, I did not send out a holiday quiz. I was burnt out on the format.
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Answer #37. “Don’t Be Cruel,” April 25, 2020
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Want more?
Here’s the next quiz in the series: Quiz #38. Suspended.
Here’s the previous quiz in the series: Quiz #36. Promises, Promises.
Here’s the first quiz in the series: Quiz #1. Stella and Social Distancing, March 13, 2020
The quiz is explained here: Steve’s Stay-at-Home Coronavirus Quiz.
Here is an archive of all the quizzes.
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